how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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