I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
