ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
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