i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize