Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
