$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize