girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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