my being single is dangerous.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
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