I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize