dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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