here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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