just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
