I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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