i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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