i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
