Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize