I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
