i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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