Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
