Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
