Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
