I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
