Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
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