if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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