the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
