literally had 100 drinks last night.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize