i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
