You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
