Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
