I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
