just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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