Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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