he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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