bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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