i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
