fuck your aforementioned shoe
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
