Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
