You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
