I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
