So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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