Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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