butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
