I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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