come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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