where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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