Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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