Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Randomize
