The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
