I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
