yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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