The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize