Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
