Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
