Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize