dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
