I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
