well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
